Capacity
Oxford English Dictionary:
the maximum amount that something can contain
the amount that something can produce
After major setbacks two years ago, including a near-divorce, being cut from a defending national champion ultimate team for personality reasons, and suffering from medical burnout, I started down a path of self-inquiry. I quickly found myself on a path of necessary self-improvement as the extent of my disengagement from life became clear. Casualties at that time included all of my relationships, including the relationship most central to existence, the relationship with the self. A few dark nights of the soul and some hard looks in the mirror later (and I’m not talking about Bruce Wayne flexing Blue Steel), I faced some hard truths. One of the root causes of my unhappiness was that I had neglected my continuing evolution, and, what’s worse, I hadn’t been aware there was any such thing. Incredibly obvious and sad now, but understandable, stuck as I was. I had been busy checking boxes: college education, check, high-paying job, check, beautiful equal with whom to share life, check, kids, check, nice neighborhood, check. And then I was busy reacting to the stress brought by these things I had been programmed to want. I am not saying I would trade any of them (well, maybe the job and the ‘hood) because I wouldn’t and I love my family dearly. I’m just saying there was a lot of achievement-oriented thinking and reacting, and not a lot of feeling. And this is coming from someone who has read and written poetry, studied essential writings of Christianity and Buddhism, read numerous books on Oprah’s list in addition to classics by EM Forster, DH Lawrence, EE Cummings, Kahlil Gibran, Herman Hesse, Jane Austen, JD Salinger and everything written by Susanna Clarke, which is nowhere near enough. My point isn’t to brag about reading, most people have acquired the skill, my point is that despite the readings and flights of thought, which, in hindsight, often had a largely escapist purpose, I was still just another guy asleep at the wheel.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last two years, maybe more than I had in the prior ten. I’ve also learned a lot about people. My biggest learnings, and what saved my relationships with my wife, my kids and myself, were found through talking to other people within the framework of learning how to coach. This training required talking to strangers about what matters most in life while listening wholly and compassionately, and viewing the speaker, unconditionally, as worthy of the utmost respect. Because we, all of us, ARE worthy of the utmost respect. (The exception that proves the rule is that, ironically, those who don’t feel that others are worthy of respect, are themselves a little less worthy of respect. The beautiful irony is that those of us that choose to hold this belief, still believe those folks will turn it around). Since then, I’ve quit my job and have switched careers, which has no shortage of challenges, and yet I have found a happiness that doesn’t bounce and sway as it had in the past, rather it, like the Dude, just abides. Due to all the reading, I am not new to the field of personal transformation or self-improvement, but in the last two years I have become much more emotionally available to the lessons. Yes, this involved developing self-awareness and emotional intelligence and new concepts and vocabulary, but the ability is inborn in all, the muscles just waiting to be flexed. Yes, it requires a beginner’s mentality of conscious incompetence and yes it requires a growth mindset. Does it involve getting in touch with your feminine side? I don’t think so, because as I learn it has become clear that 95% or more of this stuff is common to both genders. (The 5% difference is in the ways the issues manifest in our lives, and certain themes are intrinsic to this culture’s female experience, and some to the male experience). Yes, it involves honest and sometimes brutal self-evaluation, and yes it involves hard work. But it is the most rewarding and fulfilling work you will ever do. And what you will find will be priceless. You will find your true and best self and because you find that, you will have the steady, peaceful and durable happiness for which you have consciously, or unconsciously, been searching. You will also have a gift, a very unique gift, for the world.
In addition to just feeling happier, one of the first sensations I noted was what I termed “a greater capacity”. It truly feels like my heart expanded and now has more room- for everything. I feel generally more accepting of myself, and of where I am on my path, and the majority of details surrounding each are more recognizable as window dressings and aren’t so pressing or anxiety-provoking. More importantly, I feel that my larger and more accepting self was less offended by others. I now see other people’s behavior as similar to mine, and we are all on a path that requires stages of evolution. Just as I’m behind others, others are behind me (and those in front are in increased danger of falling behind). An abiding patience now lives where judgement once held sway, and strength of character is measured in humility and kindness. For the doubters, this is no Pollyanna approach to my fellow mankind. The difference is now I can see the root causes of confusion, and dissonance and misguided infatuation with ego-reinforcing pursuits. Far from being a safe-harbor, my newfound love and respect for humanity now requires a duty to act, albeit with love and kindness, against the forces of ignorance, immaturity and self-satisfaction. This, I believe, is the price of full understanding of human nature, or rather, a gift given to me at this particular stage of my evolution here at mid-life. Yours will inevitably be different, as it should be, but the gift of greater capacity, which you will find when you live with purpose and integrity, is waiting to support and embolden you. In this fashion, seemingly ordained, you will find that the more you can encompass, the more you can create.